Funny Quotes

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Emo Philips

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg