Alligator Problem

If an excavator
excavates
and a motivator
motivates
and a rotivator
rotivates
and an operator
operates
and an indicator
indicates
and an investigator
investigates,
what does an alligator do?

Michael Rosen

My Brother

"Someone swept it off its feet, and brought it off the table..."

N.S.McB.

"I said it first, you have to use quotes."

N.S.McB.

More Funny Quotes

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "If you
need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional
identity before.

Unknown

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Marty Feldman

Funny Quotes

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Emo Philips

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Ann Landers

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.


There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.


I like to reminisce with people I don't know.


There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.


I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.


I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.


I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.


My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.


When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

My favorite :When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Funny Quotes

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright


Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Homer Simpson

Funny Quotes

I can't find much that happened today, but I have found some very funny quotes by Anonymous. Please enjoy!

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

If you are going to be blue, be bright blue!

You always find things in the last place you look... unless you're stupid enough to keep looking after you find them.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

I run like a girl. Try to keep up.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

And a final quote...

I can't talk to you right now... I'm busy sorting m&m's... alphabetically.