My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
My favorite :When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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