Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.


There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.


I like to reminisce with people I don't know.


There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.


I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.


I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.


I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.


My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.


When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

My favorite :When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

31 October

1926-Today Ehrich Weiss, better known as Harry Houdini, died. Houdini was an amazing escape artist and would have himself locked inside coffins or boxes and even lowered underwater, and astonishingly, managed to free himself. He died in a freak accident on this day, 1926. He boasted to some students that his stomach muscles could withstand heavy blows, but did not have time to prepare himself before a student hit him, rupturing his appendix. Despite the pain, he performed in Detroit that night. He was hospitalized after the show and died from peritonitis.
1950- John Candy was born in Toronto, Canada.
1899- Australian troops left for the Boer War in South Africa. It had broken out on 11 October.
1517- Martin Luther posts his 95 theses on the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg.
1941- Mount Rushmore is completed after 14 years of work.
1923- The start of 160 days of 100 degrees Fahrenheit (37.8 degrees Celsius) at Marble Bar, WA, Australia.
2003- Bethany Hamilton is attacked by a tiger shark and losses her left arm and 3 litres of blood.

If we keep an open mind, too much is likely to fall into it.

Natalie Clifford Barney (31 Oct 1876-2 Feb 1972)

Funny Quotes

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright


Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Homer Simpson

28 October

Today is 28 October, the 301st day of the year. There are 64 days left in the year. On this day:

• Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft was born in Seattle. Microsoft is installed on 75% of all computers.
  
• 1848, the first railroad in Spain is opened.
  
• 1538, the first university in the New World is established.
• 1886, in New York Harbour, President Grover Cleveland dedicated the Statue of Liberty.
  
• 1893, Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 6 in B Minor, Pathétique, receives its première performance in St. Petersburg, only nine days before the composer's death.
• 1929, was Black Monday, a day in the Wall Street Crash of 1929, which also saw major stock market upheaval.
• 1936, U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicates the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.
• 1942, the Alaska Highway (Alcan Highway) is completed through Canada to Fairbanks, Alaska.
• 1998, and Air China airplane is hijacked by its own pilot and flown to Taiwan.
  

I have dreams, and I have nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of my dreams.

Jonas Salk (born 28 October 1914)

To ask may be but a moment's shame, not to ask and remain ignorant is a lifelong shame.

Jigoro Kano (born 28 October 1860)

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

Evelyn Vaugh (born 28 October 1903)

Funny Quotes

I can't find much that happened today, but I have found some very funny quotes by Anonymous. Please enjoy!

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

If you are going to be blue, be bright blue!

You always find things in the last place you look... unless you're stupid enough to keep looking after you find them.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

I run like a girl. Try to keep up.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

And a final quote...

I can't talk to you right now... I'm busy sorting m&m's... alphabetically.

Hello everybody! Today is Wednesday, 26 October. !'m in a bit of a rush, so I can't post much. This is the 299th day of this year. Today, in 1861, the Pony express officially closes operations. In 1881 the gunfight at the OK corral takes place. 1955, Austria declares permanent neutrality.

Quotes by C.S. Lewis

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.


Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.


A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell.


God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.


Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.

October 22

Today, 22 October 2011, is Saturday! Who doesn't enjoy Saturday? If you don't, you're not allowed to vote. Therefore, it's unanimous, we all like Saturday!
On this day:

• 1999, a revolutionary electric car set a new land speed record at Bonneville Flats, Utah. It was a long sleek machine that looked more like a rocket than a car, and measured 7.62m. It reached a speed of 395.821km/h, and can accelerate to 161km/h in just 8 seconds.
  
• 1988, 59 QANTAS employees pulled a Boeing 747 jet airplane 100 metres in 62.1 seconds.
  

October 21

Today, October 21 2011, is a very special day. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but if the sun rose today, that's a miracle in itself!
Other things that happened today:

• 1879: Thomas Alva Edison demonstrated his incandescent lamp, one of the most important inventions ever.
• 1978: Frederick Valentich disappeared while flying his Cessna from Melbourne to Tasmania. Some thought that his plane was taken by a UFO. Others (the boring people) think he staged a suicide.
• 2011: According to Harold Camping, today the world ends. But the Bible says 'Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father"(Matthew 24:35-36 NIV), and also, "The Father alone has the authority to set those dates and times, and they are not for you to know." (Acts 1:7 NLT). So, I know that Harold Camping doesn't know when the world will end, though it will one day.
• 1520: Ferdinand Magellan discovers the Straits now known as the Straits of Magellan.
• 1945: Women are allowed to vote in France for the first time.
  

Funny Quote

A sign at a travel agency: Go Away!

Today, 20 October 2011, is the 293rd day of the year, with 72 days remaining of the year and 65 days, 13 hours and 51 minutes until Christmas, but who's counting?
On this Day:

• 1720: Calico Jack, the Caribbean pirate, is captured by England's Royal Navy.
• 2003: Kirk Jones became the first person to ever intentionally go over the Niagara Falls and survive. Even though the Falls rush at 570000 litres a second, he survived with only bruised ribs. He was fined and barred from entering Canada for life.
• 1982: The world's worst soccer tragedy occurred in Moscow when 340 fans were killed during a game because of a crush on a staircase.
  
• 1671: Jean Talon, Intendent of New France, as Canada was called at the time, ordered the Quebec colony's bachelors to marry the French women brought over for them, or they would lose their hunting, fishing and fur-trading rights.
  

Today, October 19, in 1512, Martin Luther became a doctor of theology. More that happened today

Quotes of the day:

Traditionalists are pessimists about the future and optimists about the past.

Lewis Mumford (born 19 October 1895)

No man can justly censure or condemn another, because indeed no man truly knows another

Sir Thomas Browne (Born 19 October 1605)

A young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled

Jonathan Swift (died 19 October 1745)

I would die happy if I knew that on my tombstone could be written these words, "This man was an absolute fool. None of the disastrous things that he reluctantly predicted ever came to pass!".

Lewis Mumford (born 19 October 1895)

God does not work for you. He works with you.

Pandurang Shastri Athavale (born 19 October 1920)

October 18

Today, October 18, is the 291st day of the year. There are 74 days remaining in the year. On this date, 1939, Thomas Edison died.

Quotes of the day:

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.

Friedrich Nietzsche

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.

Matthew Henry

Today, 14 October, but in 1926, Winnie-the Pooh was first published. In 1888 is the first motion picture.1912, former President of USA, Theodore Roosevelt was shot and slightly injured while campaigning in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Martian Invasion

On 30 October, 1938, an American radio station was giving listeners a program on classic books. As they read H G Wells' War of the Worlds, a book about a Martian invasion of New Jersey, news flashes tried to ensure that all their listeners knew it was just a story. When the Martians "landed" in New Jersey, people "saw" Martians everywhere. New Yorkers fled from highrises with handkerchiefs over their noses to protect against "Martian gas". Hospitals were overwhelmed with traumatised patients.

Hello Gelly, cup of coffee

Today:

• Captain James Cook arrived off the coast of New Zealand.
• There are 86 days left until the end of the year.
• The American library Association was founded.